Why I’ll never be Insta-Famous…

Mr Fletche and I visited Cotswold Lavender Farm at the weekend, and we watched in amusement as visitors (and yes, they were mainly female) posed between the lavender bushes – lying down, sitting, standing, jumping – in carefully planned outfits to complement the light purple hues around them. Two girls pranced around in delicate lace dresses, before bundling up in raincoats (summer in England always necessitates bringing a pac-a-mac). One woman carefully removed her white jacket before replacing it with a red cardigan. And there were all sorts of floppy hats in abundance.

Me: “If we come back here next year, I’m going to wear a flowery dress, big floppy hat and frolic among the flowers”

Mr Fletche: “You don’t own a flowery dress. Or a big floppy hat. And I’ve definitely never see you frolic among the flowers before”

And this, dear readers, is why I will never be a true Instagram travel blogger. I just don’t have the right kit. Other than not owning a floppy hat or flowery dress, here are 10 others reasons I will never be an Instagram Influencer:

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Picture Source: Pixabay

 

  1. Β I have never done yoga in public. I certainly couldn’t pull off a convincing downwards dog in a bikini on a cliff overlooking an aquamarine sea
  2. My nails are never perfectly manicured enough for that “holding up a gelato in front a famous landmark” shot. Or that “clinking glasses in a perfect setting” shot. Or that “holding a polaroid photo in front of the place that you actually are” shot.
  3. I’m not good at wistfully looking off into the distance
  4. That ruby red glass of wine on a balcony overlooking the Tuscan countryside? I’ve half drank it. Those perfect little canapes? Eaten them.
  5. Those back of head shots always reveal that one wavy patch of hair that I can’t straighten without arms like Stretch Armstrong.
  6. I have never had breakfast served on a silver tray, with an expensive bottle of champagne and a single red rose in a crystal vase. And my sheets are certainly not pristine white and uncreased after a night spent sleeping like a starfish and wrapping myself up in the duvet like a sausage roll.
  7. I have never felt the urge to do a cartwheel. Not since I was about 8 years old, the last time my noodle arms would support my body weight.
  8. Swimming pools are for swimming, or for hanging onto the edge with a mojito in easy reach. They are not for giant flamingo or unicorn lilos.
  9. I have never paddled a kayak into the middle of a big lake. Or pitched a tent on the edge of a precipice. Or owned a battered but cute camper van. Or jumped off a cliff into the sea
  10. I see no appeal in taking a photo of my feet. Not on a pretty tiled floor. Not on a beach. Not dangling from a hammock. Ditto my legs in a classic “hot dog legs” pose. Unless hot dogs are white and slightly pimply.
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Picture Source: Pixabay

Which of these Instagram cliches drive you mad? And more to the point – which ones are you guilty of? Feel free to check out my Instagram Page here and call me out if I am acting like an Insta-Diva πŸ™‚

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60 Replies to “Why I’ll never be Insta-Famous…”

  1. lol
    This really made me smile!

    I go to a lot of scenic places, but I never look even a fraction as amazing as the ladies I see posing, especially in Canada! Plus, I need to have anti-mozzy protection, so I always have more layers!

    The ones I am guilty of are food (although I don`t add them on instagram much, I do like to add things to yelp) and jumping photos. I often look TERRIBLE in those jumping piccies with my belly hanging out, and a slightly crazed expression. I still love taking them though!

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  2. If I tried to do No.7, there would be a photo of some glamour shot of me in A & E !! Wonder if that sort of shot would take off? πŸ˜‰ I have a Philippine sister in law, you ain’t seen nothing until you go out with and her friends, what a laugh and so so annoying πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I love people watching when they’re trying to get that perfect shot… so unglamourous most of the time! And I often wonder what would happen if I did attempt a cartwheel…i fear at best a heap of Brummie on the ground, at worst a broken wrist or two 😁

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  3. I love this post so very, very much! My favorite love to hate IG pictures are the complex yoga pose ones. I’m sure it’s perfectly normal for you to want to get your knees behind your ears in the produce section of the grocery store. Happens to me all the time.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This post is hilarious!! Totally agree with the majority of them! Also adding the female leading the guy by the arm shot so overdone. Guilty of #2 and #10 for well nails…. HAH not even any form of acknowledgement from Birkenstocks brand! Womp womp.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Haha. Me neither. My Instagram contribution yesterday was a photo of the socks that I was wearing πŸ‘πŸ»
    When I was in NYC recently I was shocked by the amount of women that I saw taking endless selfies doing ridiculous poses and soon as they stopped taking photos, their smiles dropped. It’s all a bit odd.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I love this – don’t most of us empathise. I avoid pics of me altogether (overweight 50 something year olds don’t do glamour well!). It’s not the point of travel – and I hope it’s a fad we will get over soon!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Lol very good, can recognise a few of those, although I’ve never done them, I tried to avoid taking pictures of any part of my body at all costs lol
    Depends on your audience too though, I prefer the more natural pictures, like the woman at the end of a cliff, hair blown all asunder, trying to fight off the seagulls that are waging a war for the bit of bread she has in her hand.
    If you can do that, I’d insta follow you to the ends of the earth πŸ™‚ lol

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    1. I do look at these pics and wonder exactly who they are “performing” for…it certainly doesn’t make me want to follow them because I think we may have very different personalities and views…

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    1. Feet and leg shots are fine if they tell a story…just not “oooh look at my feet”! And I have a two-day window after my hair has been cut and nicely straightened for any headshots…the next three months are spent with wild half straight half curly locks πŸ™‚

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  8. I still can’t wrap my head around the whole Instagram thing. I kinda feel like we as bloggers are supposed to strive to become influencers in our sphere. But, I think you’ve helped me see why Instagram will never be my platform of choice. I look HORRIBLE in flower dresses. Highlights my hairy, skinny, knobby-kneed legs way too much…

    Thanks for letting me know that all hope is not lost. there’s always Pinterest and MySpace. Right?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I think My Space is going to make a comeback soon…

      This made me laugh…seriously you can’t look any sillier than some of the Instagram divas with their suitcases full of clothing to perfectly complement the landscape…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. So true. I’ve been working on a post about becoming an influencer that I plan to publish in 3 months (not because it will take a lot of research but because I’m gonna be away from the blog while hiking).

        So far, I have plenty of funny material to work from. But not much useful advice…

        I sure miss MySpace. And AskJeeves

        Liked by 1 person

  9. I really loved this Emmaline and had a serious laugh.
    There’s a crazy world out there where people can’t be seen twice in a world which doesn’t exist. I think there’s definitely a space for the likes of us to become Instafamous despite not conforming to the mold. Actually, I’m quite the disaster master and my efforts to reproduce Nigella’s Nutella Cake are case in point: https://beyondtheflow.wordpress.com/2016/06/14/nigellas-heartbreak-her-nutella-nightmare/
    I think it’s time more people hang out their dirty laundry on Insta instead of suffocating in their own perfection.
    xx Rowena

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I do do 4, 9, and 10 but never with half the grace (or time invested) that I would need to succeed on Instagram. When I am somewhere and I see folks showing up in perfectly planned outfits and hair straight from the salon I do feel a twinge of why-didn’t-I-do-that but then I know my life would not be near as happy. I remember recently going snowshoeing with my family and as we were heading to the trail this group got out of their car all done up with fancy boots (no snowshoes), a box of donuts and the perfect little caps on their heads. Later, I saw them standing freezing while posing in dresses just off the trail, one of them even LYING DOWN in the snow, hair neatly arranged while someone took her photo. This memory helps me remember that while I was having fun enjoying my time outdoors, her pretty picture was something she had to endure.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Haha… Loved this! I am guilty of many. I have a foodie profile, an art profile and my main personal profile. Since I’m housebound there is only so much I can photograph – my hands and feet often feature, though not perfectly manicured at all – my unshaven legs recently featured in all their hairy glory! Hahaha…

    Liked by 1 person

  12. This made me laugh!! I love your take on the whole absurdity of Instagram divas but I must admit to posing on a pink flamingo in a swimming pool and posting it and sharing my feet in a few pics, usually at the beach….oops πŸ™‚ They haven’t gone viral so I think it’s safe to say I’m not a diva!! I always wonder about the Polaroid (mentioned in #2) in front of the object being photographed…..how and why??? But I must say I really want to cartwheel now that you’ve mentioned it although leap frogging things is my specialty, despite my advanced years. Thanks again for the laughs πŸ™‚

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