Why I'll never be Insta-Famous…


Mr Fletche and I visited Cotswold Lavender Farm at the weekend, and we watched in amusement as visitors (and yes, they were mainly female) posed between the lavender bushes – lying down, sitting, standing, jumping – in carefully planned outfits to complement the light purple hues around them. Two girls pranced around in delicate lace dresses, before bundling up in raincoats (summer in England always necessitates bringing a pac-a-mac). One woman carefully removed her white jacket before replacing it with a red cardigan. And there were all sorts of floppy hats in abundance.
Me: “If we come back here next year, I’m going to wear a flowery dress, big floppy hat and frolic among the flowers”
Mr Fletche: “You don’t own a flowery dress. Or a big floppy hat. And I’ve definitely never see you frolic among the flowers before”
And this, dear readers, is why I will never be a true Instagram travel blogger. I just don’t have the right kit. Other than not owning a floppy hat or flowery dress, here are 10 others reasons I will never be an Instagram Influencer:

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Picture Source: Pixabay

 

  1.  I have never done yoga in public. I certainly couldn’t pull off a convincing downwards dog in a bikini on a cliff overlooking an aquamarine sea
  2. My nails are never perfectly manicured enough for that “holding up a gelato in front a famous landmark” shot. Or that “clinking glasses in a perfect setting” shot. Or that “holding a polaroid photo in front of the place that you actually are” shot.
  3. I’m not good at wistfully looking off into the distance
  4. That ruby red glass of wine on a balcony overlooking the Tuscan countryside? I’ve half drank it. Those perfect little canapes? Eaten them.
  5. Those back of head shots always reveal that one wavy patch of hair that I can’t straighten without arms like Stretch Armstrong.
  6. I have never had breakfast served on a silver tray, with an expensive bottle of champagne and a single red rose in a crystal vase. And my sheets are certainly not pristine white and uncreased after a night spent sleeping like a starfish and wrapping myself up in the duvet like a sausage roll.
  7. I have never felt the urge to do a cartwheel. Not since I was about 8 years old, the last time my noodle arms would support my body weight.
  8. Swimming pools are for swimming, or for hanging onto the edge with a mojito in easy reach. They are not for giant flamingo or unicorn lilos.
  9. I have never paddled a kayak into the middle of a big lake. Or pitched a tent on the edge of a precipice. Or owned a battered but cute camper van. Or jumped off a cliff into the sea
  10. I see no appeal in taking a photo of my feet. Not on a pretty tiled floor. Not on a beach. Not dangling from a hammock. Ditto my legs in a classic “hot dog legs” pose. Unless hot dogs are white and slightly pimply.
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Picture Source: Pixabay

Which of these Instagram cliches drive you mad? And more to the point – which ones are you guilty of? Feel free to check out my Instagram Page here and call me out if I am acting like an Insta-Diva 🙂

60 Comments

  1. August 8, 2017 / 8:02 pm

    Lol!!! Definitely the food one! I’m constantly clicking my food!!!

    • August 8, 2017 / 8:28 pm

      Oh, i do like a bit of food porn 🙂

      • August 8, 2017 / 8:54 pm

        Gotta be done!!!

  2. August 8, 2017 / 10:07 pm

    Hahaha love this!! Sadly I do think I’ve been guilty of a few of these 🙃 But mainly only on my personal Instagram. I hate hotdog legs shot in front of a pool or beach with a caption #mymondayisbetterthanyours

  3. josypheen
    August 8, 2017 / 10:20 pm

    lol
    This really made me smile!
    I go to a lot of scenic places, but I never look even a fraction as amazing as the ladies I see posing, especially in Canada! Plus, I need to have anti-mozzy protection, so I always have more layers!
    The ones I am guilty of are food (although I don`t add them on instagram much, I do like to add things to yelp) and jumping photos. I often look TERRIBLE in those jumping piccies with my belly hanging out, and a slightly crazed expression. I still love taking them though!

    • August 8, 2017 / 10:25 pm

      I love to see those pictures! Except jumping shots take so much time, and the fun has definitely gone by the 8th or 9th jump…

      • josypheen
        August 9, 2017 / 3:36 am

        You need to borrow my husband! I normally just do one jump. He’s just good at capturing them. 😀

  4. August 9, 2017 / 5:15 am

    If I tried to do No.7, there would be a photo of some glamour shot of me in A & E !! Wonder if that sort of shot would take off? 😉 I have a Philippine sister in law, you ain’t seen nothing until you go out with and her friends, what a laugh and so so annoying 🙂

    • August 9, 2017 / 4:20 pm

      I love people watching when they’re trying to get that perfect shot… so unglamourous most of the time! And I often wonder what would happen if I did attempt a cartwheel…i fear at best a heap of Brummie on the ground, at worst a broken wrist or two 😁

  5. August 9, 2017 / 7:43 am

    Lol….love this post Em. And just for the record I don’t do cartwheels either… 🙂

  6. August 9, 2017 / 12:06 pm

    I love this post so very, very much! My favorite love to hate IG pictures are the complex yoga pose ones. I’m sure it’s perfectly normal for you to want to get your knees behind your ears in the produce section of the grocery store. Happens to me all the time.

    • August 9, 2017 / 4:22 pm

      Only if I’ve slipped over on an errant vegetable… could get the yoga AND cartwheel in one 😂

    • August 10, 2017 / 6:16 pm

      I was trying to fit in a point about the “Follow Me” shot but it somehow got omitted from the list 😀

  7. August 13, 2017 / 8:03 am

    Haha. Me neither. My Instagram contribution yesterday was a photo of the socks that I was wearing 👍🏻
    When I was in NYC recently I was shocked by the amount of women that I saw taking endless selfies doing ridiculous poses and soon as they stopped taking photos, their smiles dropped. It’s all a bit odd.

    • August 13, 2017 / 6:10 pm

      Oh my god, yes, it’s like they’ve developed an Instagram expression!

  8. August 13, 2017 / 8:07 am

    I love this – don’t most of us empathise. I avoid pics of me altogether (overweight 50 something year olds don’t do glamour well!). It’s not the point of travel – and I hope it’s a fad we will get over soon!

    • August 13, 2017 / 6:09 pm

      I think it is very much the domain of certain “types” but it is definitely the “real people doing real things” that I’m more interested in 🙂

  9. August 13, 2017 / 9:45 am

    Lol very good, can recognise a few of those, although I’ve never done them, I tried to avoid taking pictures of any part of my body at all costs lol
    Depends on your audience too though, I prefer the more natural pictures, like the woman at the end of a cliff, hair blown all asunder, trying to fight off the seagulls that are waging a war for the bit of bread she has in her hand.
    If you can do that, I’d insta follow you to the ends of the earth 🙂 lol

    • August 13, 2017 / 6:07 pm

      …oh, I could probably manage that one Juls, anything that doesn’t require me being elegant!

  10. Unbound Roots
    August 13, 2017 / 10:11 am

    I love this! I just started an Instagram account recently, and I already understand the points you make. LOL! Thank you for a fun read!

    • August 13, 2017 / 6:06 pm

      Thank you for reading 🙂

  11. August 13, 2017 / 10:37 am

    Ha ha! Very good, I have taken a photo of my feet on the beach but still not put it on Instagram yet… that’s why I’ll never be insta famous. Too slow!

    • August 13, 2017 / 6:05 pm

      I’m not sure there’s a time limit Marje…let’s see your sand-covered tootsies 😀

      • August 13, 2017 / 6:32 pm

        I will try to oblige! But its more of a shot of my sand-covered shoes!

  12. August 13, 2017 / 11:49 am

    I often just want to be in the moment – plus like you never have the “appropriate outfit” on. Plus I always think in my head would anyone care except me that this is happening to me! If that makes sense.

    • August 13, 2017 / 6:04 pm

      I do look at these pics and wonder exactly who they are “performing” for…it certainly doesn’t make me want to follow them because I think we may have very different personalities and views…

  13. August 13, 2017 / 12:44 pm

    I love this! And it’s so relatable! I’ve definitely been guilty of a few of these.

    • August 13, 2017 / 6:02 pm

      🙂 My friends are determined that I tick all of these off the list during our girly weekend in Spain next month…they are bringing floppy hats specially!

  14. August 13, 2017 / 1:17 pm

    Love. I have a leg shot on my Instagram and my toes are perfectly done, but the legs are all bruised and cut up. And the only time I take a headshot is the day I get my hair done by a hairdresser!

    • August 13, 2017 / 6:01 pm

      Feet and leg shots are fine if they tell a story…just not “oooh look at my feet”! And I have a two-day window after my hair has been cut and nicely straightened for any headshots…the next three months are spent with wild half straight half curly locks 🙂

  15. August 13, 2017 / 1:23 pm

    I’m glad to see I’m not the only one who’s instagram shy! 🙂

    • August 13, 2017 / 5:59 pm

      I wish I could be one of those people who is confident in front of a camera and swan around but I’m far too self conscious for that. Or maybe I just have too much dignity 🙂

  16. August 13, 2017 / 2:27 pm

    I still can’t wrap my head around the whole Instagram thing. I kinda feel like we as bloggers are supposed to strive to become influencers in our sphere. But, I think you’ve helped me see why Instagram will never be my platform of choice. I look HORRIBLE in flower dresses. Highlights my hairy, skinny, knobby-kneed legs way too much…
    Thanks for letting me know that all hope is not lost. there’s always Pinterest and MySpace. Right?

    • August 13, 2017 / 5:57 pm

      I think My Space is going to make a comeback soon…
      This made me laugh…seriously you can’t look any sillier than some of the Instagram divas with their suitcases full of clothing to perfectly complement the landscape…

      • August 13, 2017 / 6:02 pm

        So true. I’ve been working on a post about becoming an influencer that I plan to publish in 3 months (not because it will take a lot of research but because I’m gonna be away from the blog while hiking).
        So far, I have plenty of funny material to work from. But not much useful advice…
        I sure miss MySpace. And AskJeeves

  17. August 13, 2017 / 4:13 pm

    It’s feet in the photos. My eyes go immediately to the feet rather than what the person is actually posting.

    • August 13, 2017 / 5:58 pm

      ..which is only good if you’re actually posting about feet right?

  18. August 27, 2017 / 12:08 pm

    I really loved this Emmaline and had a serious laugh.
    There’s a crazy world out there where people can’t be seen twice in a world which doesn’t exist. I think there’s definitely a space for the likes of us to become Instafamous despite not conforming to the mold. Actually, I’m quite the disaster master and my efforts to reproduce Nigella’s Nutella Cake are case in point: https://beyondtheflow.wordpress.com/2016/06/14/nigellas-heartbreak-her-nutella-nightmare/
    I think it’s time more people hang out their dirty laundry on Insta instead of suffocating in their own perfection.
    xx Rowena

  19. February 10, 2018 / 3:51 pm

    I do do 4, 9, and 10 but never with half the grace (or time invested) that I would need to succeed on Instagram. When I am somewhere and I see folks showing up in perfectly planned outfits and hair straight from the salon I do feel a twinge of why-didn’t-I-do-that but then I know my life would not be near as happy. I remember recently going snowshoeing with my family and as we were heading to the trail this group got out of their car all done up with fancy boots (no snowshoes), a box of donuts and the perfect little caps on their heads. Later, I saw them standing freezing while posing in dresses just off the trail, one of them even LYING DOWN in the snow, hair neatly arranged while someone took her photo. This memory helps me remember that while I was having fun enjoying my time outdoors, her pretty picture was something she had to endure.

  20. February 10, 2018 / 5:12 pm

    OMFG. I’m literally rolling. You, my friend, are my soul sister, my spirit animal! This was HILARIOUS and sooooo spot on! I’m sharing in ALL THE PLACES!

  21. February 10, 2018 / 5:24 pm

    Number 4. I am right there with you! I’m not a travel blogger but I’m never going to be insta famous for my pictures because I can’t be bothered with all the effort!

  22. February 10, 2018 / 6:20 pm

    Haha… Loved this! I am guilty of many. I have a foodie profile, an art profile and my main personal profile. Since I’m housebound there is only so much I can photograph – my hands and feet often feature, though not perfectly manicured at all – my unshaven legs recently featured in all their hairy glory! Hahaha…

  23. February 10, 2018 / 7:04 pm

    I used to be a big fan of cartwheels. But then at age 45, I had a horrible cartwheeling accident and can no longer do them.(Luckily, this was NOT captured on film) So, I will never be a professional cartwheeler or any good on Instagram.

    • February 11, 2018 / 2:09 pm

      Ouch, a cartwheeling accident sounds painful (I wonder how many people get injured doing cartwheels each year? Will have to Google!) so I’ll excuse you the lack of gymnastic shots 🙂

  24. February 10, 2018 / 10:19 pm

    This made me laugh!! I love your take on the whole absurdity of Instagram divas but I must admit to posing on a pink flamingo in a swimming pool and posting it and sharing my feet in a few pics, usually at the beach….oops 🙂 They haven’t gone viral so I think it’s safe to say I’m not a diva!! I always wonder about the Polaroid (mentioned in #2) in front of the object being photographed…..how and why??? But I must say I really want to cartwheel now that you’ve mentioned it although leap frogging things is my specialty, despite my advanced years. Thanks again for the laughs 🙂

    • February 11, 2018 / 2:08 pm

      I definitely want to see a leapfrog from you Debbie, apparently it’s the new jumping shot (sorry Josy!) 🙂

      • February 11, 2018 / 10:24 pm

        Haha! That would be a real sight to share with you all. Not sure the world is ready for that one yet 🙂

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